I am a white upper middle class woman living in Canada and I feel tremendous guilt.  I desperately want to make amends but find myself treating others who don't look like me as "special".  I smile more, I go out of my way more to be helpful.  My background is both indigenous and English so I have a more prominent history of being a colonizer and one that has been removed from society.  

I also did not grow up with a large black population and felt that I didn't treat anyone differently...but I unknowingly did.  I was a child of the 80s and saw news footage littered with blacks being handcuffed by police.  I was taught to respect police and that they would not do something that wasn't the correct course of action.  I grew up assuming those individuals who were in handcuffs were indeed guilty because why else would the police arrest them?  As a result, I inadvertently became suspicious of people who didn't look like me, not outright, but deep down inside I was lead to believe that crime was committed by certain groups of people (lower SES, indigenous/black etc.).  

It is through listening and learning that I realize how wrong I was and I wish I had this education growing up.  I recognize the racist views that I grew up with and how I internalized them.  I feel shameful and guilty that the colour of my skin provides me with advantages.  

I used to say (much like every other white person I'm sure) that I didn't see colour, meaning that I was above others who were suspicious of people who did not look like them.  However, what I've come to realize (through this course and others) is that what we see on the outside is so much deeper on the inside.  There are stories that each of us carry and it is up to understand to understand the systemic racism that exists.  

Q: Complete the body practices in Chapter 2- what did it feel like to focus on your body sensations?

It was eye opening to truly tune into the sensations of my body.  I could feel the freeze response coming.  My go to is often to cry in emotional situations which is a freeze response.  I never knew why I frequently cry, but it is simply to give meaning/feeling to my response because I'm unable to flee or fight.

I was brought up in a small village which was not diverse, college was not diverse either. Due to the way I have been brought up though I have never felt that I am better than anyone, everyone is important and while I had not experienced diversity my values made me question why many spaces were white. In the school I work it is very diverse which is amazing and I love it. I love seeing how everyone is supported by department and others. Students going into the world to get into spaces they deserve to be in. 

Q: Complete the body practices in Chapter 2- what did it feel like to focus on your body sensations?

Question:
Examine your own beliefs about white bodies, Black bodies, and police bodies. Can you trace the beginning of these beliefs? How does your existence in your body impact your beliefs about other bodies?

Honestly, this book, and mainly the presentation, was a bit triggering for me. I really appreciate what the author is saying, especially when he chooses to write in a somatic sense, because I connect more to a presentation of energy and a philosophical framing. However, I seem to immediately disconnect when a historical perspective is brought up. That is certainly something interesting for me to explore on a personal level. The presentation and categorization also felt triggering, as it came across more as a dividing energy than a point of connection for me. I kept wondering why this was so uncomfortable? Is it because I am white and was raised by a conservative family with a Midwestern-type vibe, or is it the way the material is being presented, which feels so rigid and “black and white,” based on one person’s experiences? I think I appreciate when things are framed more as “this is my experience” as opposed to “this is.” This reflection has allowed me to consider why it is so triggering for me. I often tell my students that our triggers are our glimmers, so I do believe there is a lot here for me to break open.

I did have a truly enlightening experience with a friend of mine who spent half of his life in prison. Without him even saying anything, I was able to feel how much more challenging it is for a Black man with felonies to grow and move forward. That was a lived experience that I felt in my body. It was as if our differences allowed for an opportunity for huge growth within me. Maybe that is part of it — acknowledging that we do have different experiences because of our skin color and life choices, and that those differences hold a huge opportunity for growth and expansion for me. In that sense, I do feel that experience offered me a chance to be more mindful and to embody how differences can become a powerful connector and expander when I truly self-reflect.

I grew up in Mexico City with a very split reality that was very hard to deal with and I never understood it until I was older, my father was jewish and middle class who married my mother which was the maid of my uncle and came from a very poor lower class ranch and she was Mexican indigenous, so of course my fathers family didn't accepted her and for that reason me and my sister grew up as the forbidden family, there was a duality in my reality cuz for one side I was going to a private jewish school and had a lot of money and we will travel 3 times a year and on the other side I will visit my grandparents at a very poor ranch on the weekends where people wouldn't have shoes, water, electricity not even a restroom or concrete floor inside of the house there will be dirt and the wooden walls where cover with newspaper to prevent the wind to go in, so in this environment I will be very discriminated for being withe as in the other scenario I was being rejected because it turned out that my mother never converted there for I wasn't a real jew so that shattered my whole existence cuz I was and I didn't knew any other reality so at age 16 I converted to judaism, with my sister and my mother and finally became part of an American liberal community and you will think I'm with because of my jewish side and that is so wrong cuz occurs my polish family where all brown skin and the white skin and green eyes came actually from the indigenous Mexican side cuz of course Mexico was colonized by Europeans (Spanish,French and British) so I have been dealing with this discrimination of being white ever since I can remember by brown people and of curse I never understood why they hated me, so my only thought was they are jealous cuz they think I have it easier and better and has it turns out apparently I have, but I'm just learning about this here and I do se now how I am treated better and I don't need to worry about being rejected for being black or brown, but I'm also jewish so we are the only withe minority that is still getting killed now a day so it doesn't matter that I'm withe I grew up with this fear of getting exterminated my whole life, searching for bombs at my school and getting send back home cuz they found actual bombs at our schools and swasticas everywhere so the fear to exist is in my DNA cuz all my family was actually killed in the Holocaust and there where no survivers.

Q: Complete the body practices in Chapter 2- what did it feel like to focus on your body sensations?

I feel no different than anyone with trauma I have a hard time connecting to my body and stay in touch with reality, I tend to disassociate a lot and this exercises are really helping me understand my trauma even better.

I first started registering negative commentary about black and brown bodies at about 11 or 12, I think. It was when I first started really listening to the commentary my grandmother was making and felt confused about the commentary. At my core I didn't understand the purpose of these comments. They weren't always overtly negative, but I still didn't particularly like them. I also didn't necessarily know what to say to her at that age, other than question why she was making those comments at all. It continued through the years, with me reading books such as "Black Like Me," and my grandmother responded with "well we struggled too." I wasn't present enough to properly ask questions then as to what she meant by that, but that was my first time registering the trauma my family went through as well. I think that this awareness built a core belief in me to never judge a body based on color, religion, etc., but on how they act. To me, this always meant that as long as you were respectful, kind, intelligent and werent intentionally mean to people, you were okay. 

Q: Complete the body practices in Chapter 2- what did it feel like to focus on your body sensations?

I think that the newest thing I experienced in the practices were to find a safe space to return to. Having this awareness of a place, person or animal that makes you feel safe and loved and placing that as a ground zero would be extremely effective. 

My best friend in middle school was Black. I feel very fortunate having had her as a friend not only because I thought she had a great heart and soul, but because she was one of the only Black people at my middle school. I witnessed all of the racial atrocities she faced in our community and around our classmates. I always respected Black bodies because of their inherent struggle but also because they deserve to exist and be seen in the same way that white bodies do. In high school, there was a time that she got pulled over, I watched her entire body switch into panic/survival mode. When the officer started speaking with her, she was cold and short, she didn't make eye contact. When the encounter was over, she was visibly traumatized. My friendship with her catapulted my political views, my views on social issues, and my world view. 

Having known about all of the injustices police bodies have committed, I instantly feel uneasy, weary, and anxious when I am around them. I stereo-type police bodies the same way I do white bodies. I'm sometimes proven wrong when I  stereotype these two groups of people but the sense of distrust is always there because of the history of these two groups of bodies. 

Existing in a white body, I know that I will never truly feel what's its like to be a non-white person. I feel white guilt and I think the only thing I can do to remedy that guilt is to be aware of the Black and Brown experience while also knowing that as a white-bodied woman, I have so much privilege. It's extremely important that I am aware of that privilege everyday, that I acknowledge different experiences while knowing I will never truly know that struggle. 

I think the body practices in the book are extremely helpful. I felt a bit antsy so I think repetition will help. Focusing on my body always makes me more aware of the m ind/body connection. My thoughts rapidly change but my body is consistent. I try to tap into sensations to distract myself from fleeting and incoming thoughts. 

First of all I believe that not everyone living today is responsible for our past families' errors. Therefore, we should all be respected and the W in white along with the P in police should be capitalized in the above question. We cannot fight for what is right by putting everyone in the same categories, we all deserve clean slates when we come into this world. My existence in this body has a major impact on this world. If I am to fight for justice and equality then I need to also be justice and equality. Not everyone is to blame for the past. Many people do not know that they do wrong. I am here to help by being a good example and show people the necessary tools to better themselves, make better choices, evolve. 

I grew up in a few different places as a child that have contributed to my own beliefs about white, black, and police bodies. In every community that I grew up in, white people were the majority. When living in Atlanta, GA, there were white and black bodies in our community as a whole, but in my neighborhood, I can only recall one black family in which the father was an NFL player. "Other" black families that were not deemed as "successful" as this were not in our neighborhood. When I was in middle school, my family moved to CA where I recall maybe 2 black families. Overall the message that was conveyed to me unconsciously by the adults around me was that white people were superior. Would my parents say that directly? Absolutely not. My mother would often remind me that her nanny growing up (she grew up in an extremely wealthy area in North Carolina) was black and she loved her so she could not possibly think that. 

I was an elementary school teacher directly out of college and I was called to work in low income schools, which often were populated predominately by black and hispanic students. Reflecting on my "body's" beliefs and everything I heard in this lesson, these chapters, and in reading through previous responses in this discussion, I wonder if I was tending to the "white savior complex". It brings me shame to realize that I was on the path for that reason. I was extremely well intentioned but I did want to "save" my students. In my first year of teaching, I was mentored by an amazing woman that helped me to look at my internal bias more closely and question the things that I did and said more. I am beyond thankful for her guidance as it helped me to begin to look at these beliefs that lived in my body and begin to heal and grow. My beliefs have begun to shift to more of a "serving" mindset rather than saving. I am more conscious of the things that come up and I question those thoughts in order to grow past them. 

In terms of my relationship to police bodies, as a child police were there to protect. I would feel safe around police. However, as a college student, I had a negative experience with police in which I was not helped in the way I should have been. Additionally, after participating in many BLM protests and in general the experiences I have witnessed of police bodies interacting with black bodies- I have entirely changed in how I feel towards police bodies. Now when I see a police officer, I am scared and do not feel safe. 

Q: Complete the body practices in Ch. 2- what did it feel like to focus on your body sensations?

I have noticed that I tend to hold uncomfortable feelings in the center of my chest and in my shoulders. During these body practices, it was interesting to feel where those uncomfortable feelings settled into the body. Moving my body in those areas in a way to open it up, is an amazing and freeing feeling. This was a gentle reminder to be more mindful of and address those areas of tension.

My beliefs about bodies has shifted dramatically as I have spent more time listening and learning from the experiences of others.  I also cannot say that those processes are complete, but continue to be in process.  For white bodies I have come to understand that there is a lot of historical privilege that has lead to systemic divides in thinking, experiencing, processing how the world works.  I think for many white people they don’t even perceive these elements are in place, which is also a part of the privilege that they live with. The privilege not to think about their bodies and how they relate to the world.  When they do it is looking into a pit of trauma, but from the side of the perpetrator.  This perpetrator induced traumatic stress, is often what causes the fragile reactions that white bodies have in facing these concepts.  The thinking is that I am “not racist” and that people should get over it and just focus on more positive things.  This avoidance, dissociation, and triggered responses come again from privilege.  There is often a sense of getting tired of talking about this issues because it isn’t seen as relevant, but in actuality it is more invasive into their lives than they realize, thank I as a white person realize.  I often feel uncomfortable being in a white body these days, but I invite that discomfort because it needs to be felt to be healed, to motivate change in me and how I communicate and teach my own children. I feel like it is only fair for me to be uncomfortable when so many others have had to live with much worse in their experiences.  When it comes to black bodies these days, I have confusion about how to act or respond to be a safe person. I admire a lot of black authors, artists, atheletes and leaders, but personally with all I’ve learned I’m not always sure how to act. As for police bodies I have worked alongside police for many years and there was a time when I wanted to pursue that path. I saw them as beacons of heroism and safety, but I have witnessed some terrible things and really feel like there is a lot of unprocessed trauma there and many police have to uphold the values of a very broken and systemic oppression organization.

Q: Complete the body practices in Chapter 2- what did it feel like to focus on your body sensations?

As a yoga therapist I often use orienting as a part of my one on one sessions with clients.  This sense of helping the body be aware of its surroundings, which it will already be doing, but embracing that system and building opportunities to work in safety. It is a good simple and safe practice.