Long stories 🙂 :
1 and 3)
Just arriving, tired from the travel, to my father's place which is miles away from where I live:
My father was sitting face to his computer, body “closed”, not smiling, and he asked me how I was and if I had something new to say, while he was still watching at his computer. The "what's new?" was because I moved to France in October, after finishing my yoga training, and because the covid and the confinement which started in November in france, I have been really difficult to work and impossible to start yoga classes in the social/health area as I planned to do as I am educator and yoga teacher.
I talked about a small work than I found, and, than I should start yoga classes in a Center for youth delinquents as a volunteer first, then they would probably pay me to continue it, which was anyway a great opportunity as it was a center from the ministry of the justice.
The reaction of my father was freezing, saying that the small job was not a job for me as I was too qualified, I couldn't keep volunteering like that and I should come back to live in their area as there is more work. When I switched the topic of the conversation, to a building topic (building my own furniture with palettes). He was a bit mocking on myself, me a woman using a drilling machine, and he told me that I shouldn't buy tools, not as long as I would not have my own house and be stable ( I live with flatmates and I lived in 4 different countries that last 4 years). At that point, I stood up, saying that I was fed up to listen that speech “when you will be established”, as I was struggling to get out of precariousness, and I didn't expect a confinement. I had a shaking voice but firm voice.
Thinking about that memories I realized that My father was searching to release his own fears through ugly pain.As he always has done. Which I felt, unconsciously.
It turned ugly from the beginning. Unconsciously, I think I recognized the microaggression from the moment than my father didn't look at me asking questions which was supposed to shown interest. It was creating a situation of dissonance. The nonverbal language was just saying the opposite of the meaning, benevolent of a question as “how are you and it going better for you”?.
I felt directly that it was not a matter of interests, but it was a matter of fear expressed through an aggression. Fears that he couldn't handle, because probably my situation was related in part to trauma's family as the poverty. He projected on me his own fears concerning my situation, a situation than he always refused for himself, giving all his life and his health to earn money. He was not capable to express his worries about me as a father, as well his worries because of his own childhood and his parents, it calmly, with love.
If I think about my body, I remember me sitting on the couch and my shoulders, my head, was collapsing. I started to take the pattern of the position of my teenager body. I felt sad, because I would have like to receive the consideration as a person, to be welcomed with my difficulties and supported in my project of life, and not be considerate as someone waking up insupportable feelings. At least it what I felt.
I felt exhausted and really uncomfortable. So uncomfortable than I had to stand up and speak with a loaded voice instead of talking calmly, with active listening.
I was receiving his fear, but after a long work on myself, I couldn't receive his fears as before. I I had to gave it back in a firm way. It was not in a really pedagogic way, but, I was not absorbing his own difficulties, neither having doubt about my professional project, and it was a pleasure. I was breaking an ugly circle of projection of pain coming from trauma.
2)
Micro aggression than I have done:
Years ago ( 10!), I said to a roommate from Marocco than I didn't have to clean after him because he was raised up with the idea of women cleaning after him, taking care of men.
Then, realizing what I said, I felt awful. It was a prejudice. I was related his behavior to his culture and his religion also even if I didn't say it (but it came to me, and I was even to sham of that to be honest with myself).
I was projecting my own feelings on his behaviors. His behavior was waking up my rage concerning the role given to women in societies, and furthermore in my own family : women taking care of men, taking care of the house ( it was probably the main reason of my reaction). Also, my thought reflected the closed mind and judging ideas of the countryside where I grew up. Ideas that I early refused, going to live faraway, but I integrated it.
His behavior didn't mean necessary than he was expecting from women cleaning after him, it could be that he was simply not giving importance about cleaning. Also, it was maybe a copy of behaviors passed from generation, done with no bad intentions (or maybe yes?), without consciousness concerning what could feel the woman in that situation.
@m-denisgmx-fr Thanks for your thoughtful responses, Marjorie. I appreciate the way you were curious about both men's actions. Whether or not you caused or felt the microaggression, you went deeper and considered what caused you or them to feel the way that they did. Sharing the story of your father feels like such a strong example of dirty pain.
Q: Complete the body practice on pg. 77. Reflect on your experience. (If you are working with different page numbers- this is the first set of body practices in Chapter 5)
Q. Complete the body practice on pg. 93. Reflect on your experience. * For white folks and non-Black readers. (This is at the end of Chapter 6)
Q. Complete the body practice beginning on pg. 105. How did paying attention to the experience of your body change your view of the incident/experience you imagined? (This is at the end of Chapter 7)
1) It was an interesting exercise. I realized that during the micro aggression I haven't been aware of my body changes. During the micro aggression , I was more aware about the person committing the micro aggression, than my body. Then, it is easy to get into emotions and loose control. Thinking about it, I felt a disconfort into my belly,and my throat, and feeling that I could have realized that indeed, I had that disconfort during the micro aggression.
2)
1-I felt unconfortable. For 2 reazon, one, I'm not confortable in ceremonial meeting as a reception for a wedding, secondly, I would feel really white and different. I am smiling Thinking about that person saying "we don't bite".
2- I'm feeling surprised. Indeed, I smiled imagining my brother with a woman with dreadlocks, tattooed, black and wheelchair, not because the particularity of the woman but becaus emy brother is living in a village where there is almost no tattooed woman, maybe 3 black people, and one person with wheelchair.
3- I felt unsecure.
4- I already have been in an african restaurant, with africans, or, in a bar with only black people. I felt inconfortable, and probably ashamed. I felt different.
3) I'm feeling well thinking about a moment when I received the protection of a black body. Indeed it was not a black body but a person from middle East. It was natural for me.
1. This exercise was challenging for me. It brings up a lot of trauma from my past. I have been fortunate enough to practice body awareness practices and releasing exercises for years, so this wasn't foreign to me, but these exercises on page 77 were a reminder of how and where I feel shame and pain in my physical body, which happens to be in my heart center. Doing these exercises was powerful to feel the heavy sensations, and take the time and awareness to release.
2. The wedding scenario - First of all, I hate being late, so I would have a level of anxiety associated with that. However, outside of that, I would be excited to be a part of the celebration. I am sure as the only non-black person in the room, it would obviously be noticeable that I am different, and I would obviously stand out. In my body, I am experiencing excitement and anticipation, and I welcome the gentleman's invitation. As for the brother introducing me to his new fiancee, my reaction is curiosity. Curiosity about Clarissa as a person. Curiosity about Clarissa's culture. Curiosity about Clarissa's wheelchair. I am excited to meet her and learn more!
3. Honestly, I can't relate to this or understand this at all. I have never asked a black body to protect me. I have never had that expectation or thought. This concept was hard for me, not that I don't believe that it happens, it has just never been in any way a part of my experience.
1. I noticed tension and labored breathing. I wondered if this was due to the topic or just my own stress.
2. I experienced some fear and some excitement. The fear was related to judgement of colleagues that are still ignorant to discrimination. I feel excited to educate my clients and empower my black clients through this knowledge and education. I did feel some tightness in my neck and jaw.
3. I noticed my body was very tense and unable to relax. My knees and my ankles hurt and I'm sure that is because I got a new puppy and we have been hiking a lot. When I imagined my puppy I softened a little in my chest and shoulders. My mouth softened as a small smile came onto my face. As I imagined the growling dog that attacked my puppy today at the dog Park my entire body tightened especially my jaw chest and shoulders.
Q: Complete the body practice on pg. 77. Reflect on your experience. (If you are working with different page numbers- this is the first set of body practices in Chapter 5)
Q. Complete the body practice on pg. 93. Reflect on your experience. * For white folks and non-Black readers. (This is at the end of Chapter 6)
Q. Complete the body practice beginning on pg. 105. How did paying attention to the experience of your body change your view of the incident/experience you imagined? (This is at the end of Chapter 7)
I really enjoy the practice of bringing awareness to my feelings, reactions, and physical body when doing these practices. It is extremely important to me that I become more aware, more open, and more empathetic and compassionate. Because of my past trauma, my entire world-view has been skewed most of my life, I have to really sit and focus and dig deep to reach the feelings. It takes a little extra time but I know how much that time is worth it! I am able to pull a part and observe even more about schemas, thoughts, compartmentalization, and various other aspects of my own thoughts.
Q: Complete the body practice on pg. 77. Reflect on your experience. (If you are working with different page numbers- this is the first set of body practices in Chapter 5)
The micro aggression I considered that was committed against me is a time that a male colleague suggested to another male colleague that they have a "man to man chat" with a witness I had just spoken to. I felt completely undermined, and deemed irrelevant and incapable because I was not a man. I perseverated on this feeling for a long time when it happened and that feeling came back to me during the body practice.
Coming from that feeling, it was much easier to then put myself in the place of individuals I have committed micro aggressions against. There are many, and they often happen with close Black friends or intimate partners. When I commit the micro aggression, there is either an immediate realization of "oh wow I can't believe I said that" or, fortunately for me, I have people in my life who will call me out on it. For me, the event with my coworkers stands out because I don't experience micro aggressions like that all the time. But this exercise made me really consider how Black people in America have to deal with this type of micro aggression, and the feelings they produce, every single day.
For the lack of regard exercise I focused on a particular coworker who selects some female coworkers and acts as if we don't exist. As in literally will not look at or acknowledge our presence in a space or respond if we speak. I reflected on how many times I "don't see" people (regardless of race). The doorman at a hotel, the person bagging my groceries, the list goes on. This is a blatant disregard of their humanity. Black folk experience this frequently from White people. I remember a former boyfriend holding the door to a restaurant after we had breakfast one time. White people walked through the door and didn't even acknowledge him. That speaks volumes.
Q. Complete the body practice on pg. 93. Reflect on your experience. * For white folks and non-Black readers. (This is at the end of Chapter 6)
This was an interesting exercise. As much as I have been around large groups of Black people, and have many Black people in my life whom I love, I still felt some level of stress in my body when imaging myself in those scenarios. This reinforces that these practices are lifelong for white people. We cannot get complacent. As the book explains, this is in our bodies. Deeply. And we have to keep doing the work.
Q. Complete the body practice beginning on pg. 105. How did paying attention to the experience of your body change your view of the incident/experience you imagined? (This is at the end of Chapter 7)
This exercise was difficult for me. I ask Black bodies to comfort me all the time. I have very close Black friends and my partner is Black. I tried to do the exercise but I could not relate to it. I seek comfort from the Black people in my life in the same way I seek comfort from anyone in my life, potentially more so because the closest people in my life are Black and they are the people I seek comfort from most often. I tried to look for subtext in these relationships based on a White need to feel Black comfort and it felt icky and disrespectful of my relationships. Maybe that was the goal of the exercise? I don't know.
Q: Complete the body practice on pg. 77. Reflect on your experience. (If you are working with different page numbers- this is the first set of body practices in Chapter 5)
This was a really great way to reflect on where we hold the emotions that come from not only receiving but projecting micro-aggressions and disregard. This also was a great way to reflect and re-education myself for future interactions. Also I was able to realize more of the roots of some of my belief systems with the question about when you intentionally or unintentionally committed a micro-aggression.
Q. Complete the body practice on pg. 93. Reflect on your experience. * For white folks and non-Black readers. (This is at the end of Chapter 6)
This was interesting! the first 3 scenarios I had a pretty even response, none of those scenarios really moved me too much. The one about the meeting your sons fiancee, I noticed my body felt concern around the wheelchair situation over anything. I tried to really view myself as a parent and the two concerns I had were not only "will my son be able to handle caring for someone with a disability," but also "will be provide he proper care this woman needs to ensure her best life." I quickly realized that is a wild thought to have before even knowing the reason behind the wheel chair and reminded myself this woman has been self sufficient before meeting my child. With exercise #4, I have a bit of social anxiety and I am typically by myself so this one stretched me a bit further than I realized it would. It was less about being around black bodies and more about I was around so many people alone. The second time I made a decision to do the same thing in a smaller crowd and had better success.
Q: Complete the body practice on pg. 77. Reflect on your experience. (If you are working with different page numbers- this is the first set of body practices in Chapter 5)
With body practice 1, as I was in this experience I felt tense, especially in my face, neck, upper shoulders and forehead as I thought of this past experience. Also noticing that I feel a tightness in my throat in which I associated it with wanting to speak up by couldn’t. With the next one, thinking of a time when I committed a microaggression, this one was different in that I felt more of a release in my body, and compared to the previous exercise it felt good. After this feeling of release, some feelings of guilt and shame started to come up for this to feel good, I felt guilty for my act of microaggression to feel good in my body. Thought maybe compared to the previous exercise it was nice to feel as though I had taken some of my power back again, even if that was in a way I don’t usually like to present myself. With the next one, feeling a lack of regard coming from someone else, this felt similar to the first exercise with the tightness of the throat, tension in the shoulders and stress in the face. A person came to my mind who caused a lot of trauma in my life as a child so feelings of helplessness started to arise as well. For the last exercise, I noticed that some of the same feelings were there, especially having a lot of tension in my face, followed by again some shame and guilt, which started to bring an unsettling feeling to my stomach.
- Complete the body practice on pg. 93. Reflect on your experience. * For white folks and non-Black readers. (This is at the end of Chapter 6)
For exercise 1, I began by feeling very light being the only white person at a wedding, almost a release or flattering feeling. When it came to the part of “come on in, we don’t bite.” that was when I notice more tension begin to show up in my back and neck. I did not want others to feel uncomfortable or see me as being uncomfortable, which brought in some discomfort. For the second exercise, I felt very light and relaxed in the beginning. When it got to the part of the women being in a wheelchair I did notice some feelings in my stomach, almost like I wanted to be extra sure I wasn’t making that a big deal or begin to treat anyone differently because of any kind of handicap. The person I imagined in this scenario was my grandfather, and at the end I once again felt that relaxation or release in my body because I know in real life my grandfather is already very open and accepting as far as I know. With the next exercise I started to question if this person maybe was drunk and that was the reason for crashing the car. I felt my chest cave in a bit and my stomach became uneasy. I questioned if I would have had this thought if it were a white person. And for the last exercise I did not plan this one out. I live in a place where there is more BIPOC than where I grew up. I took my daughter to the dentist, and the dentist office is set up where there are not individual rooms, but all the dental chairs next to each other. I realized that my daughter and I were the only white people besides one dental assistant. I felt grateful to be in the space but would find myself working to relax and release intentionally instead of it happening organically. When her dentist came to talk to me I noticed at first that my torso wasn’t facing her, and readjusted myself as soon as I noticed because I did not want it to feel as though what she was saying wasn’t important.
- Complete the body practice beginning on pg. 105. How did paying attention to the experience of your body change your view of the incident/experience you imagined? (This is at the end of Chapter 7)
The first incident where I imagined a time I was resilient, I choose the time I left my daughters dad, which was a challenging time in my life but needed to be done. When recalling some of the moments we had, I felt very weak, felt an emptiness in my stomach, and could feel myself physically begin to shrink down. As I continued to recall some of the memories I could feel myself relax a bit but not fully like some of the previous exercises. I felt that this was due to him still being in my life and will continue to be since we are now connected through our daughter. The next incident was an experience I had a few years ago. I had a black friend who made a comment about white people in which I had felt triggered by. As I recalled the incident I could feel the tension build up in my throat, neck and face. As I took myself through the experience the same tension stayed in my body until the exercise was over. Even after this person had soothed me, it did not resolve what I felt within. Some dis-ease built up in my stomach as I exited the exercise, which I associated with some shame for not knowing at the time what was happening. The fact that this tension stayed even after the issue was “resolved” caused a breakthrough within me that what I was experiencing actually had nothing to do with her at the time, but from my own issues that were never looked at or addressed.
Q: Complete the body practice on pg. 77. Reflect on your experience. (If you are working with different page numbers- this is the first set of body practices in Chapter 5)
Answer (A): I've been asked often enough to show my ID when using a credit card in a store. I noticed the cashier didn't ask others ahead of me the same. There's also a chance I could be perceiving this incorrectly, but my gut tells me otherwise. When I replay this, it didn't turn ugly. It just was an event in which someone decided to card me, perhaps based on how I look which is a biracial. I've always been treated in someway, differently. And thank goodness for that, it's all grist for my spiritual mill. Because this special treatment, I've learned so much more about myself and others like me or different from me. I recognized this possible event as a micro-aggression based on how my body felt and also having gone through this many times before. When I replay the event, which is only to learn; I, agree, feel a gut reaction or mild unease. This is just a "guest" though and I am open to learn. This was not always my response especially when I was younger. I don't experience pain now. I breathe and aim to release the energy as it arrives. I treat it only as a guest and not someone that will be allowed to stay in my house.
I've committed micro-aggression against civilians when I was in the military. When I replay the incidents which I avoid unless to harvest some lessons, I said things that were rude, short and inconsiderate. In hindsight, I was coming from a place of ignorance and fear. These people also responded to us from a place of fear. We were all handed a bad situation and thankfully no one was hurt but there was trauma that I felt in my body and I'm sure they felt the same. As I relive these situations, I feel my body tighten, a sadness comes over me and also a commitment not to go this way again. I've since composted these events so that I now build bridges with my language instead of walls, imperfectly at that.
I've experienced a good bit of a lack of regard from someone else, mostly based on being biracial or low income from my youth. When I relive it, I can for this exercise allow some of that negative energy to flow through me and feel some tightness in my gut, shoulders, neck and thinking. I don't feel pain, but discomfort. It feels good though to release this and to be on this side of it. I've released these experiences or "guests" to go on their way. I learn more about myself each time they visit.
In my early career as a practitioner within the criminal justice system, I expressed some disregard for those individuals charged, convicted and sentenced to crimes. I viewed them as inferior and bad people that made bad choices. I left out socio-economic, racial and so many other factors (i.e. ACES). I feel the lack of regard in my body by way of disassociating from it a little bit. A numbness. Ditto as I go into replay. I don't linger here. Again, I try to release this as lessons learned and overall growth and departure from the White trauma body. A work in progress, with starts, stops and in-betweens.
Q. Complete the body practice on pg. 93. Reflect on your experience. * For white folks and non-Black readers. (This is at the end of Chapter 6)
1. My team and I are in probation services. We often work with Blacks. I still notice with the scenario present some hesitancy in the mind and body as being the only non-Black. I am still thought overall not from a place of fear or hate. When a hand touches me on the shoulder, due to my training, I may laugh because they closed the distance without me noticing. His hand touching me though is fine and welcome. I experience the urge to interact and enjoy the moment.
2. I experience in my body a curiosity to learn more about this women who has ventured out into the world despite being in a wheelchair. She must have a positive mindset. I would like to talk to her and learn more about her.
3. My body has some tightness until I find out more about this person to include are they injured, intoxicated and safe. I ask him if he's alright and if he has someone I can call for him. However, I will also listen to the initial caution in my body until I know I am safe.
4. I attended a black funeral. My body felt sadness and sometimes being out of place. Then again. I'm biracial: Asian and White. I went to a black neighborhood store. My body felt some tightness as I was a stranger to the store which appeared to have many regulars. I tried to smile and be friendly. I did not feel unsafe. I just felt out-of-place. No one troubled me.
Q. Complete the body practice beginning on pg. 105. How did paying attention to the experience of your body change your view of the incident/experience you imagined? (This is at the end of Chapter 7)
I was especially strong, resilient and resourceful when I stood up to person acting from a place of narcissism. When I relive that process, I feel strong in my body and mind. I feel energetic and resolute. I also felt anger and sadness at having enabled the person to do what they did for so long. I'm struggling to recall a time that I comforted or protected a white body. I supposed that might say something in of itself.
Q: Complete the body practice on pg. 77. Reflect on your experience. (If you are working with different page numbers- this is the first set of body practices in Chapter 5)
It is tremendously uncomfortable to relive the moments in which we have been subjected to microaggressions and lack of attention and care on the part of other people and bringing it back to memory makes me relive it as if I were experiencing it again, I felt a wave of heat rising from my stomach to my head. What seems very important to me about this exercise is that it puts us on the other side of the aggression, that is, not only when we have been subjected to aggression but when we have been aggressors, and I believe that doing this exercise consciously and constantly makes it possible that we establish better relationships and healthier ways of living with others.
Q. Complete the body practice on pg. 93. Reflect on your experience. * For white folks and non-Black readers. (This is at the end of Chapter 6)
Being in a mostly mestizo country, it is difficult to carry out some of the practices that the author proposes. For while I can imagine the scenarios he poses, I do not have the burden of prejudice and criminalization that generations of non-black people in the United States have grown up with.
Regarding the practice in which we are invited to go to places where black bodies predominate, it is very difficult to do in Mexico City. The closest I could get to that situation was frequenting places with large groups of migrants and it is not the same. What I have noticed is that they often go out in groups, they rarely walk alone and in addition to the language barrier, it is clear that they experience a certain fear of walking the streets of this complex and violent city.
Q. Complete the body practice beginning on pg. 105. How did paying attention to the experience of your body change your view of the incident/experience you imagined? (This is at the end of Chapter 7)
Every time I have been terribly sad and in no mood to continue, I relive the episodes, two in particular, in which I have shown resilience and strength, and that allows me to find some balance and I think to myself that if I could overcome those episodes there is little I can't do. Regarding asking for help or being asked for help to protect a white body, it hasn't happened to me.