Q: Examine your own beliefs about white bodies, Black bodies, and police bodies. Can you trace the beginning of these beliefs? How does your existence in your body impact your beliefs about other bodies?
Quite honestly, I wasn't raised to view black bodies with fear, or police bodies with fear. And I grew up in an area that even as an adult, I wasn't shaped to have negative associations with black bodies or police bodies. Growing up, I didn't watch much TV or movies, or even media, so I wasn't shaped in those ways either. I am a white female, and in my personal experiences, I was raised to fear white bodies, just from my own personal experiences coming from a bit of a rough home life. Reading My Grandmother's Hands has been very enlightening as I try to understand the pain of black bodies, the point of view. And it's been hard to read from my own perspective in my own trauma. Yes, I can absolutely trace the beginning of my own beliefs. I have struggled with unexplained, debilitating health problems from age 25 to age 35. The trauma was literally killing my physical body, which is why I began my journey as a yoga instructor to figure out what the heck was happening in my own body. As I learn more about trauma, generational trauma, cultural trauma, ACE scores and corresponding health impacts and how these things have impacted me, the more I want to understand how these traumas have impacted other's bodies. As I continue my journey in this life, as I approach my 40th year, the more I am horrified at the unconscious acts of trauma and abuse we impose on others. I don't know what it is like to be a black body or a police body, but I am hoping that thru this program, I will have a better understanding of the struggles of the bodies of others.
Q: Complete the body practices in Chapter 2- what did it feel like to focus on your body sensations?
Focusing on body sensations has become a daily practice for me, one that I have had for several years. What I know for sure is that the body doesn't lie. Your brain can tell you that you are ok, but the body will have sensations that might say something different. Noticing my breath, the quality, the depth, the steadiness of the breath is always an indicator of if I am truly at peace and present, or if I am anxious and uneasy.
Q: Examine your own beliefs about white bodies, Black bodies, and police bodies. Can you trace the beginning of these beliefs? How does your existence in your body impact your beliefs about other bodies?
Q: Complete the body practices in Chapter 2- what did it feel like to focus on your body sensations?
I grew up in a very small town in northern California. There was one black person at our high school of nearly 1300 students. Today, there is the same number. Our community is comprised of mostly white, a few Asian families, and Latino or Mexican Americans, of which now represent 52% of the high school demographic.
In reflecting back to the beginning of my beliefs about black, white, and police bodies, I would say these beliefs started at home. My father was born in Kentucky and my mother was raised in Missouri. My father could be described as a racist. I often heard him make derogatory remarks about black and brown people. He was highly educated, earning his PhD in Law from UCLA and it's absolutely unbelievable that his beliefs were so embedded, despite his education. I didn't really understand how terrible it was until I began to learn of the heritage of some of my friends. My mother, on the other hand, never made remarks about people, and quite often would defend people of color or "shush" my dad from his rants.
I recently came across a journal that my great aunt kept daily entries for one year in 1918. There were several passages where she referred to seeing a "negro" near the property or that came to the house. That was unsettling to me that it was such a shock to her that she had to put it in her journal. So, it helped me traceback even further in my family lineage where these sentiments came from.
I don't think I ever had a thought about police bodies because it was a non-issue. It literally never came up in conversation.
My body cringes when I think about how I've existed with these beliefs. I feel the tenseness inside my soul.
When I completed the body practices in Ch.2 it felt painful yet liberating to release the uncomfortable body sensations. It was amazing to me that so much pain tense feelings can be stored in the body. An honest reflection of these memories during the body practice is powerful beyond words.
1I am a human being. We all have bodies that have cells, with the same number of chromosomes, that contain DNA. We are more similar than we are different and humanity's origins are based in Africa. But, I understand this country's race dynamics and our history therefore, I identify with a black body. This body has stored generations of induced "black" trauma. All of my male cousins (except 1) are incarcerated.
It requires conscienceness and intention to separate my body from my-self (purpose). In order to be a black woman with confidence, love and nurture, it is a practice to remove and notice indoctrinations of inferiority and self-hate. Black, white and police bodies are all fragile.
2. Focusing on body sensations helped me to remain present in the moment. It is humbling and powerful to relax enough to notice the energy moving through the body.
Q: Examine your own beliefs about white bodies, Black bodies, and police bodies. Can you trace the beginning of these beliefs? How does your existence in your body impact your beliefs about other bodies?
My beliefs about all of the bodies addressed above were deeply informed by my racist parents. I grew up in suburban New Hampshire in an area (and state) that is largely white. My mother clutched her purse when a person of color was within sight, never mind near us. I heard my father use every racial slur in the book for all different POCs. I also went to a private Catholic school that was likely 99 percent white. I always felt it was wrong and sought to leave New Hampshire as soon as I got my 4-year degree and was old enough to head to California, where I then encountered some even more intense and obvious racism, especially in conservative Orange County (and at a prominent UC in Irvine where I worked at the time). My existence in my body has changed over time, as I have confronted these seriously ill influences from my past and from my formative childhood and young adult years. I fear that while my actions and speech is anti-racist, how many unconscious biases and perhaps deep-seated fears yet still persist, and I'm not even consciously aware of them? How can I address unconscious thoughts and rewrite and erase them? I struggle with this a lot.
Q: Complete the body practices in Chapter 2- what did it feel like to focus on your body sensations?
I noticed that the body practices in Chapter 2 challenged me to stop being in the past or future tripping. They helped me access and experience the present moment, which I rarely do, even as a yoga instructor, due to my own trauma, which I'm actively working to pause about and process. When it came to the h humming exercise, I noticed that I felt limited by ego and self-consciousness, even while attempting the practice completely alone. I struggled to feel the hum way down deep in my belly, which was frustrating. I felt the warmth and vibration of the hum in my throat, mouth, chest and windpipe. It reminded me of chanting om and other similar chants. The vibration was calming overall.
Q: Examine your own beliefs about white bodies, Black bodies, and police bodies. Can you trace the beginning of these beliefs? How does your existence in your body impact your beliefs about other bodies?
I was raised in a small town in Milan Ohio. I do not remember having people of color around where I lived or in my schools. I remember my parents and grandparents using provocative words towards minorities. It was very violent talk and it always made me scared because they said they were bad people.
My parents were alcoholics and drug users. They had family money and my ancestors owned businesses around the area making our family name predominant. When I entered high school I had endured so much trauma that I engaged in using marijuana when it was presented to me. I began hanging out with other individuals that suffered trauma and we're introduced to people of other color. Long story short I was disowned by my family for dating a man of color. I realize looking back that even though I dated men of color and had friends that were not white I still had a form of prejudice inside me. I still had certain thoughts and beliefs and anger. I did not see this until after I killed my own trauma in the past few years. I began looking back in journaling on my life and who I was and who I have now become. I'm still learning to be comfortable in my body but your guy is the only thing that can make me feel and I am grateful for my practice.
True hanging out with people of color I did Witness racial profiling and discrimination systemically. It's also open my eyes see what is really going on in this world. When I did 18 months in prison I also experienced and witnessed best systemic discrimination and abuse. After some deep thoughts I would have to say my existence in my body impact my beliefs about other bodies by my past experiences and environment.
Q: Complete the body practices in Ch. 2- what did it feel like to focus on your body sensations?
It felt relaxing and grounding. It always helps me to realize I am not breathing deeply. It also helps me to be aware of the tension in my body so I can release it through the breath. I love this practice!
I'll share from the perspective of someone with a Black body. My experiences growing up in America as a Black Muslim woman taught me to be creative and compassionate. I'll just say I learned from an early age that age didn't mean a thing to wisdom and that not enough adults had it. That's what I learned from white bodies whom I would observe reacting to my family wherever we were. As I got older, I began to observe myself as much as I observed the white bodies that mostly caught my attention with their fear. I learned to hate from police bodies, and I haven't, and probably never will grow out of my mistrust for policy enforcers. My mother was profiled, persecuted, and harassed for years by ICE and the FBI for various reasons. She was a Black body that knew too much. Our home was raided by ICE twice in my teens, she was blacklisted and we went through hell for four years before I found her deceased in our home at 20. I still tense up when I see policy enforcers of any branch.
The grounding exercises help me channel my rage while reading through certain accounts in the book. I can feel where I hold those specific memories in my body and I allow myself to release the rage. In doing these exercises, I noticed how much permission I wasn't giving myself, holding onto the rage, I guess, to not die with my mother's memory.
Q: Examine your own beliefs about white bodies, Black bodies, and police bodies. Can you trace the beginning of these beliefs? How does your existence in your body impact your beliefs about other bodies?
I grew up surrounded by all different skin colors. I grew up not knowing what ethnicity I was as well. I had very different beliefs than most children and certainly had different beliefs than my parents. My existence in my body, not knowing "what" I was racially - opened me up to being anything and anyone else. The trauma I had experienced left me knowing one thing was true: our skin color does not define our behavior. I also grew up in an area where police officers were not around. There was crime, but they were just there. I was a very pretty, young, female, so cops were always absolutely delightful to me. I have had an extreme privilege with my interactions, at every age, with police officers. I also became a correctional officer later in life, where in my state of Delaware, it is a mixed bag of races.
Q: Complete the body practices in Chapter 2- what did it feel like to focus on your body sensations?
This is a practice I had to work on in order to work through my own trauma. I remember only feeling rage before. Often now it's heartbreak for the pain in this existence. Sometimes, it's overwhelming joy because of the different things I am grateful for coming up. I had done most of these practices on different days, varying times, it was very interesting to feel the visceral reactions depending on the context of the day.
Q: Examine your own beliefs about white bodies, Black bodies, and police bodies. Can you trace the beginning of these beliefs? How does your existence in your body impact your beliefs about other bodies?
Q: Complete the body practices in Chapter 2- what did it feel like to focus on your body sensations?
I grew up in a very white Italian - Irish , middle, working class community in Massachusetts (north of Boston). I was never exposed to anyone other than people that looked like me. I saw black bodies on TV, music videos etc. . I was curious, very curious. From a very young age I wanted to know more. My family didn't speak much about people of other color or religion etc. I was for lack of better words, sheltered, but knew there was more out there for me to know, learn and explore. When I was in high school, kids from the inner cities started to get transported to suburban schools and my high school was chosen and we had about 15 new students from the inner city of Boston. These were cities I heard of but never had been. I quickly became friends with all of the newcomers. I was exposed to a whole new world and was fascinated. I actually wanted to be more like them. I appreciated the hair styles, the way they dressed the music...I loved it all. That was a life changing experience for me. From that point on I made it a point to learn and educate myself. I have a lot of feelings about the body I am in. I know I personally did not do a lot of what my ancestors did, but I am doing my own work around racism, oppression , diversity and inclusion.
I have a very diverse work experience and choose to do the work that can involve all of the above. My partner is of African American descent and we have deep conversations and are doing the work together.
The body practices were amazing, I practice a lot of yoga, meditation and do body scans. These gave me some new ideas and insight .
Q: Examine your own beliefs about white bodies, Black bodies, and police bodies. Can you trace the beginning of these beliefs? How does your existence in your body impact your beliefs about other bodies?
Q: Complete the body practices in Chapter 2- what did it feel like to focus on your body sensations?
1. I come from a huge, mixed-race family. I grew up in poverty, went to public schools in New Orleans, and constantly moved from rental to rental. The neighborhoods I lived in and schools I attended were very diverse. Still, I found racism. Mostly within my family. I never understood how we could have African American family members and I would still hear the n word from older members. The different comments they would make. I can’t remember anything exactly. Just how it made me feel. My mom always raised me differently. And I felt more at home in my neighborhood than I did around those family members that were making the racist remarks. Now as I got older, I would say in the n word while singing songs. My mom would always get on to me and tell me it’s still disrespectful. I don’t know at what point it clicked, but I did eventually stop. My dad was pretty racist, too. He is in the military. We do not speak. But I remember how he would make comments about “blacks” being on welfare (I grew up on government assistance), “blacks” are lazy, etc. However, he had plenty of friends and co-workers that were African American. He never disrespected them. This also made me confused. My step-dad was the same way. Seemed very hypocritical to me, even at a young age. I could have easily fell right in with them, but my mom was always there to correct it, thankfully. Unfortunately, I grew up not trusting police. I couldn’t trust my dad and the cops were at my house often. Arresting my step-dad, and once my mom. Domestic disputes, week after week. They would only keep him over night and release him back when he sobered up. In New Orleans, if both parties names are in the house, the person was allowed back home. In Mississippi, they care more about the well-being of the children, that’s how we finally got away from my step-dad. So the police have never really made me feel safe.
2. I like feeling my body parts actually relax because I hold a lot of tension in my body. I do still have trouble sitting still for a long period of time, but I started to get agitated at some point because I wanted to hurry up and finish. I’m getting better about this. I just started yoga and meditation a little over a year ago and in the beginning it was much harder. If I’m stressed, that makes it harder, too.
Q: Examine your own beliefs about white bodies, Black bodies, and police bodies. Can you trace the beginning of these beliefs? How does your existence in your body impact your beliefs about other bodies?
Firstly, I've really appreciated reading through the responses that have already been left in this discussion group. I'm struck by how open and unguarded people are able to be about what is potentially sensitive topic and almost certainly a complex one.
Q1: I'll start with police bodies. This is perhaps the easiest for me in one sense because I have a very formative experience with the police. When I was about 4 my parents were involved in a domestic incident. My mum called the police and I remember that two, to my mind then, huge police officers arrived and that totally changed the dynamic of the situation. I remember that as a child it was really interesting to suddenly see my dad, who had previously been the aggressor, suddenly become meak. I welcomed that as a child. My experience then was that the officers were kind and I saw them as saviours. In retrospect I can better understand why these white-bodied officers had such a profound impact on my black-bodied father. I have generally had positive or benign personal experiences with police bodies, but have witnessed and learned of many inappropriate responses. I am a black-bodied woman and very aware that being a woman (and therefore probably being seen as less of a threat) has privileged me with a very different experience with police compared to many of my black-bodied male colleagues and friends, who have had very different experience to mine. Perhaps because of those experiences I should be more wary of police bodies? In making these reflections I question whether I am being naive...
This view of police bodies is coloured by my previous jobs, I have worked with the police a great deal, and generally found the individuals that I have worked with to be, or at least to present as being, committed to bringing about positive change. Perhaps this is because only the more motivated ones will generally find their way into the projects that I work in.
I have worked as a prison officer (as we say in the UK, 'correctional officer', I think is the term in the US). This experience of being in uniform has also impacted the way I see police bodies. Having been 'one of them' in a certain way, has done something to dilute my personal fear about people in uniform. That being said, I witnessed first hand and all too often people who used their uniform as a shield behind which to hide as they unfairly exercised their 'power'. That job certainly changes people, I think. Prisons are places of trauma. It's embedded in the walls of the building and also seeps into the bodies of all those who are inside those walls. I see police bodies and prison-officer bodies as impacted negatively (I will go as far as to say harmed and damaged) by the work that they do. Just before I started the job I read a poem that said something like prison officers should be aware of that they're letting other people in for. I read it also as a comment that they should also be aware of what they're letting themselves in for. I had no sense then, before I started the job, how significant that statement would be.
That was a long response... I'll come back to the other questions. Thanks for reading if you made it this far 🙂
Q: Examine your own beliefs about white bodies, Black bodies, and police bodies. Can you trace the beginning of these beliefs? How does your existence in your body impact your beliefs about other bodies?
I grew up in a very rural part of England. I did not live near or go to school with anybody Black and was not around Black people until I moved to a city at the age of 17. When I started university I started to make Black friends and some shared their experiences with racism with me. But it was not until I came to America at the age of 27, and began working in criminal defense in the South, that I started to learn about America's racial history and to notice its effects. I am very aware of England's racism and contribution to the evil of racism through colonialism, but did not see or reflect on that until I learned about racism in America. As I learned about race, racism, and slavery I started seeing it's impact everywhere I looked. When I left the South I thought it would be different but that was naive.
As a defense lawyer, and also as someone who acted as a legal observer for many of the BLM protests over the last couple of years, my view on police bodies is incredibly negative. I have had only glimpses into police brutality and oppression. I cannot imagine what it is like for Black bodies.
My existence in my body impacts these beliefs in many ways. First I am incredibly aware of my privilege. Especially as it comes to my own interaction with blue bodies, who treat me as a citizen, never a criminal, even if I am breaking the law (speeding for example). Second, I am incredibly my aware of my contribution to the experience of Black bodies, both through my implicit bias but also through my very presence in their space. When I walk past a young black man I often think "is he afraid of me? He has every reason to be." I have seen the damage white women have caused to black men, since slavery, and currently with "Karen culture." I am much more aware of my whiteness as time goes on and I am increasingly aware of how brutalizing it can be.
Q: Complete the body practices in Chapter 2- what did it feel like to focus on your body sensations?
The body practices were interesting. It was fascinating to see how such simple visualizations produced physical responses in different parts of my body. This makes me very aware of how quickly my body remembers being afraid, or comforted, etc. The memory is right there for easy recall. I guess that's the point of the book - the trauma is right there too, just waiting for a chance to pop up.
Through these first few chapters i was able to explore more in depth the roots of where my own beliefs began, I am a white and Mexican woman who looks mostly white. On both sides of my family my grandparents held a-lot of judgment and shame around not only their own minority roots but also those who were different from them. My parents, who were judged for their own interracial relationship, very clearly wanted to teach us a different way but still to some extent inevitably had some of those beliefs imbedded into them. In turn some of those beliefs were passed to my brother and I where at times we held shame and confusion when it came to explaining out ethnic background. Thankfully as the years went on we were able to sort that out and progress past them. Growing up I went to a pretty diverse elementary/middle school and a high school that was predominantly occupied by black bodies. I was really fortunate as a teenager to be in that environment as opposed to the other schools on my end of San Diego which were known for being mainly white and having more judgmental students and teachers. As far as police bodies go, I have always had a negative/fear based belief of this population. From childhood till adulthood I have always had negative experiences. Through this book I realized that police bodies are equally as judged and come from trauma as well and I need to keep that understanding in mind to change my thinking.
Focusing on the body practices was a really cool way to connect deeper with myself. I really have never used an exercise like that to connect with the sensations in my body when it comes to who is around me. I now have been trying to pay attention when I am out in public or social situations how these sensations change. I think this is a really great way to learn how to regulate your fight or flight mode.
Q: Examine your own beliefs about white bodies, Black bodies, and police bodies. Can you trace the beginning of these beliefs? How does your existence in your body impact your beliefs about other bodies?
It wasn’t until I was about 8 when I remember the conversation of race started coming up in our household. As a person with a white body, I grew up in a poorer community in the midwest. Most of the people I saw and grew up with were predominately white, however I did have some black friends where we would go over to each other's houses, but this false notion of hierarchy in race wasn’t an idea in my mind. At a young age my mom married a man that was openly abusive. Not only was he abusive, but he was also openly racist, homophobic, sexist, mysogonistic, and the 9 years that they were married were all very difficult times in my life. There was a day where my step sister turned on the tv and was watching VH1 music videos, and a video came on of a group of black people. My step dad got very angry and turned the tv off and at the time I didn’t understand why, but looking back now I know it was because they were black. My mom and step dad would get into fights because my step dad would use racist slurs and my mom did not like that. My mom accepted everyone which is why I had such a hard time understanding why she would be with someone who did not. When I got into middle school I started “dating” this boy in my grade who was black, and this caused a lot of arguments and tension in our house. He would say horrible things about others, and at the time I would dissociate a lot to avoid being in a high stress household. It was such a confusing time because I would hear these racist words in my mind and have racist thoughts while at the same time wanting to see everyone as equals. In 2014 when the Ferguson riots began near St. Louis, when a police officer shot and killed an innocent black man named Michael Brown, this was one of the first incidents of police brutality targeting black america, that I had ever heard in my life. Up until that point I saw police officers as a high member of society. As a child I viewed police officers as a source of protection and here to serve and protect. I was in high school at the time and I was in a debate class. One class we actually debated over the topic of police brutality and the black lives matter movement. At the time I saw this as an innocent debate, but looking back it’s very disheartening that we as a society feel the need to DEBATE the black lives matter movement, and I find myself feeling shame and resentment towards white people for not understanding. Now, I do my very best to be a good aly, even tho being an aly is not a title that anyone can simply claim for themselves, it’s something to be an example of and to work towards daily. However I still find myself feeling tension when around poc at times. There will be moments where I will be with black people and i feel extra cautious because I don’t want them to feel unsafe or targeted in any way and so this shows up in my body as very tense, especially in my throat and upper back. Something I have to be aware of in my body is that my body allows me to move around very freely, so when teaching yoga I have to practice being mindful that not all bodies have full range of motion like mine does.
Q: Complete the body practices in Chapter 2- what did it feel like to focus on your body sensations?
With the first practice it felt nice to notice my body, to do a body scanning practice. I noticed that I hold a little more tension in the left side of my body. With the second and third practice it was very interesting to see how much more tense my whole body felt when imagining someone not comforting compared to someone who felt safe. It was interesting to feel that my throat, face, shoulder and upper back are the places where I felt the most tense. With the humming practice I loved because it reminded me of chanting AUM or doing bee’s breath pranayama which are both something that I do in our personal yoga practice. It was a different experience with trying to push the hum into your stomach, it almost felt more forced than what I am used to.
1. I grew up in a very white neighborhood and school district. My childhood was spent with other middle-income white kids and I didn't recognize that there were huge racial disparities. We were taught in school that the Civil Rights movement had "fixed" these. I thought they had access to the same education, extra-curriculars, career paths, healthcare, ect. We had 2 students out of about 1200 that were black. I was always mesmerized by them. I thought they were more beautiful and definitely cooler than me. I was afraid to talk to them.
I was always an outcast, so I never felt comfortable in my own skin. Being a white female and growing up in the 90's, you were expected to be super skinny and I was always an amazon. I was also very pale and the popular girls all went tanning. I thought the African-Americans were the lucky ones, because I was so awkward.
The first time that I started understanding that their America was different than mine was in college. It was the first time in my education that I heard minority voices in literature and history. I remember wondering why I didn't learn anything real in high school history.
Then, I became a math teacher and was drawn to urban schools where I was the minority for the first time. The first couple weeks of teaching I cried every single night. The students acted like they hated me. I was desperately looking for a way to connect with them. I had them write an essay about being a survivor. I shared with them that I had been in an abusive marriage and was currently a single mom struggling to pay the bills. The next day, I collected the essays. I started reading them in my car after school was out for the day. I read every single paper while sitting in my car...sobbing. The things these kids had been through were things that most adults I knew wouldn't be able to process. They truly were survivors. We grew up in very different worlds.
I have continued to learn so much from my students. I've learned to listen more. I read more. I can never understand what it feels like to be Black, Hispanic, Asian, or other ethnicities in America, but I bear witness to my privilege and do my best to flip the script.
2. Body Scan: I did this exercise at school, so it was a little harder to tune into myself because I am aware of so many sounds. My body doesn't feel great today. It is the second day of my period, so I am crampy, my GI system is not happy, and I'm bloated. I ran a lot this weekend, so I'm overall exhausted. However, I'm not in any pain. The older I get, the more blessed I feel to be healthy and pain-free (most of the time). I love my body (most of the time). I am amazed by the human body (all of the time).
Q: Examine your own beliefs about white bodies, Black bodies, and police bodies. Can you trace the beginning of these beliefs? How does your existence in your body impact your beliefs about other bodies?
Q: Complete the body practices in Chapter 2- what did it feel like to focus on your body sensations?
I grew up in East L.A. where the majority of the people I grew up with or people around me were Brown (Latinos from various Latin countries), Indigenous and a small group of Black people. I was very comfortable being around Black bodies. I'm a mixed race woman, who is Mexican/Indigenous and Japanese (also mixed with European roots). Being in L.A. the police were seen as bodies I shouldn't trust. In my "hood", they patrolled looking for anyone that could be stereotyped as gangstas, cholos etc. They seem to target young people who wore a certain style of clothes or fit a "certain description" I witnessed police brutality and learned about the concept of "driving while Black or Brown". The police in the "hood" felt more like predators stalking prey. In contrast, when we moved to a suburban neighborhood, police bodies were seen as protectors and heroic. But, most importantly the police "felt" more a part of the community, whereas in the "hood" they felt like outsiders who posed a more threatening and intimidating presence.
I was introduced to white bodies, initially on T.V. but my physical experience was when I entered public school. These people were mostly teachers and staff at my school. White bodies in my young mind represented authority figures. Once my family moved from East L.A to a suburb near Pomona, Ca. I was surrounded with mostly white bodies. Some were kind and down to earth people, others made racial jokes and bullied me for being ethnically and culturally different. I was an urban girl moving to the suburbs, and I stood out in mostly white spaces. My Chicana/ Mexican accent, clothes etc made me stand out and as a result was seen as "weird", "different" "ghetto", "poor", "a wetback". Those years were very traumatizing and truly learned what it meant to be of a different "race" than the predominant white race. Around white bodies, depending on how I'm welcomed or not welcomed, I feel either safe and can be myself or make myself small and want to leave the space. But, I also feel like this with all bodies. If I'm treated with respect, kindness and seen as a human being then I feel comfortable however, like anyone, if I'm not treated with dignity and respect and feel not welcomed, and am treated less than, then I'm super uncomfortable.