This lesson reminded me of all the times I was told I was a “bad girl” when, looking back, I was often acting out in response to what had happened to me between the ages of three and twelve. At thirteen, my parents placed me in a girls’ home, and in some ways I feel like that experience prepared me for being abandoned by my family again as an adult.
It stood out to me when Crystal said that no parent really knew what they were doing in the 90s, because my parents always said, “We never had a manual.” At the same time, I find myself thinking that wooden spoons probably would not have been in the manual either. That connected strongly with what Jen said about children learning to be compliant simply so that they will not be harmed.
Oranoca’s story about her daughter saying, “You don’t listen to understand, you just listen to respond,” also reminded me a lot of my relationship with my mom. We have not seen each other in three years, and I think the next topic of self-forgiveness is something I really need. Part of that process for me is recognizing that not everything that happened was mine to carry or blame myself for.
I also connected with the discussion of svadhyaya, or self-study. I liked the idea of one’s own reading and reflection, mind-body belonging within a yoga practice, and the broader idea of oneness. I wrote down many of the questions from this lesson, and I know I will continue answering them in my own time.
In relation to Prison Yoga Project specifically, this module also made me reflect on how much my thinking has developed since I began the program. I am watching these modules later than originally planned, and the news surrounding Christina Pike’s execution has been happening at the same time. When I started this program, I remember asking what it would mean to serve people who had committed murder or other serious acts of harm.
Now, as I reach the end of the program, I feel much clearer in my belief that even someone who has caused profound harm should not be executed. Following what happened with her case has made the questions of punishment, humanity, accountability, and transformation feel much less theoretical to me. It is something I know I will continue thinking and following in the news after the course ends.
The workshop on building the different components of a class was also extremely helpful. I am excited to develop and record my final sequence, and the one PDF slide outlining how to build a class is something I can genuinely see myself returning to when I am developing future programs.
Finally, I really appreciated the discussion about the ethics of yoga. I found myself thinking about the Modo Yoga studio I attend. I am currently experiencing homelessness, but when I walk into that studio, I am able to “pass” as someone who belongs in that environment. If I were to bring some of the women I live with at the shelter as guests, I can imagine that their experience might be different. Jen’s example about studios deciding who receives trial memberships or access based on particular demographics really stayed with me.
That is something I need to continue reckoning with as I think about the kind of yoga teacher and facilitator I want to become: who feels welcome in the spaces I participate in, who does not, and what responsibility I have to help build spaces where my future students and participants can genuinely feel that they belong.