5/1/25 Live Session Recording (Module 12)

Last weeks mindfulness practice of self critic was so present and LOUD. Especially when preparing for my sequence. The part of me that kept saying to stick with plan that enough and even though it may have been , I realized that was limiting self talk and I didn’t want to surrender to that so that is what pushed me to go for an unpracticed, nervous, I’m all in, on the fly. My mind was scrambling for “notes” anything familiar, totally not relying on trusting myself. My inner critic was like, postpone, fake sick,I would just tell it “nah, were not doing that I like stepping out into the unknown and you better learn to like it too.” So once I jumped I developed wing on the way down and after I felt the greatest appreciation just for showing up in the space. Flipside of it brought me back to our studies of when parts of ourselves are trying to help us in this fight or flight. But, being able to recognize and calm that side down was a truly a full circle moment. I know for a fact this week has allowed me to have more compassion for the inner critic. As I also share what I learn from this course with my incarcerated friend it was able to help him come to the realization that his past drug use was to validate his self critic. The opposite side of the validation coin. The things we purposely self sabotage to appease this self critic. 

Also, recently I found I am going to be a grandmother, my daughters first child and my inner critic is saying you should be there back in Tennessee The inner critic show up in many ways. 

Thank you Astrid for sharing the thumps up and thumps down, that’s awesome. I liked that Liz And Kari mentioned independence as a strength others perceive and not needing assistance. I tend to have the those similarities but I was just expressing the other day that I appreciate that no one doubts my ability to travel across the country, be in new places, and do all these things.l never once hear anyone say I can’t make it or anything negative, No one even tells me to be safe, I love that I have a “Wonder Woman “ persona. This has made me less inclined to ask for help but, I have been blessed in doors opening in a sense that help approves before I even knew I needed it. I step out more. So strength for me is about stepping into the the thing that says you can’t. Go for NO! 

I see surrendering in few different ways, as a since of ignorance and avoidance but, also surrendering into the knowledge of what we do know and understand and accepting the reality of not truly understanding how things affect us in the present moment. Also aligned with strength being able to come back and admit I made a mistake to be humble. Like the way Nikki brought up serenity. Surrendering to myself is having this vision, a big picture, and placing these dots (actions) and allowing them to connect in time. Not holding too much expectations on one “dot” just having faith it bring more like itself or a completely new thing. Maybe like Pokémon hatching eggs and evolving LOL!

For the movement, 

The opportunities for pauses in strength shapes really allows time to come back to our intention and bring a breath. Breathing in these various shapes allowed me to appreciate the asymmetries of the breath even though both lungs are working but, the mindfulness of what is constricting and flows free. I even stayed longer on my mat practicing alternated nostril breathing (lying down) to see what that felt like too. 

I try to connect these poses and make a list of which pose matches the the different arches and sequences and just practice invitational cues on the pose. I have gone back through previous movement videos just to listen highlights Jen brings up. I feel flash cards I can bring with me through the day would really help me. I am trying to find that path way where i am more present and can be with participants and not in a check list mode. 

Thank you Jen and everyone who made this live so “life’d up” lol. Thank you for the connectedness in the personal shares. 

I absolutely loved the live session! It was so enriching, especially how we dived deep into reincarnation, karmas, and the Bhagavad Gita. The timing of this session feels almost surreal, as I’ve just begun exploring and becoming fascinated with understanding my purpose in this lifetime, as well as the concepts of karma and reincarnation. I particularly appreciated how the facilitator explored how to live a meaningful life and attain self-realization and union with the divine, especially through Arjuna’s doubts about going into battle against his own teachers and relatives. It was a powerful and insightful journey. 

Lots going on after watching this recording of Session 12. I've made notes but my process is ongoing so let's see if this makes sense.

A quiet opening and nice practice. I want to combine a sun salutation and a moon salutation as my assessment practice for the 27th... but wait! Didn't I just defer to the next course?? And here's my learning about myself. Since we started I was on board with yoga, the philosophy and applying or living it on and off the mat. My childhood survivor though of two parents who were drunk, alcoholic and narcissistic had me until Session 12 defending myself with anger and dominance. My wife and I went for our regular 6am walk this morning of 3 miles and it completed the process. It was hard man! I know that if I am going to teach XYZ I have to feel it and believe it. That's a deep truth.

I realised that anger makes me feel powerful and strong. It protects me, protects you, and gets stuff done. The thing is though that when I've got nothing to be angry about, I look for something and always find it.

But that's not me or who I was meant to be. Mum died in 2009 and Dad's got dementia and gone, so who am I? Where's the post-traumatic growth? 

If I shed my unhelpful thoughts, feelings, behaviours, perceptions, projections, and transferences - who am I? That terrifies me. Terrified? Past tense? The jury's out still, I'm trying to feel it and practice the Yamas and Niyamas - all of them. It's funny how these resonate with my heart until I get distracted by life, work, people, and I fall off the path. Then I get irritable and tired, and say things like, 'I hate people'. Even when I say it, I know it's not true, but it makes me a boss, gives me control, pisses me off, and I can't or won't get harmed. Well, I'm not 5 any more.

Not any more! 

I've spent thousand's of pounds and thousands of hours on counselling and psychology qualifications since 2008 but THIS course is the one that has directed me to my Self. Completely without warning, gently inviting me (daring me?) to hold the mirror of myself up to myself and not hold it up to everyone else. I am transformed this morning from a 'doing' human to a 'being' human. I don't even think I've got the vocabulary or language to explain it.

Ishvara Pranidhana - surrender to a higher power - okay, show me, I give up, I'm not in control and I'm not angry. Who am I? Show me. What am I?

"Yoga is practice, practice, practice", Jen said. That hit home. Sounds and feels to me like there's no destination and it's all a journey. The practice is the journey. The philosophy is the map. I've got Ahimsa in my brain - non-harm to myself and others. That's a really broad idea. Non-harm to ideas, feelings, thoughts, people, self, things. Actually the Yamas and Niyamas are massively interpretative - and guiding!

Harm in childhood - wishing for the slap, praying for it, because it's done and I know what it feels like where the hand hovering over my head is worse. Running away from harm for 57 years and running toward safety of my own making. Literally and figuratively. Well, I can stop that now. There's no book for that, no theory, no college degree, no certificate. Just an invitation when I'm ready. Jen's beautiful exchange with Kari about planning a practice, so open and honest and authentic and I'm right in there. 

"Surrender to Self". I felt that one - fear of who or what is my Self? Without anger, what's left? What if I've been angry for so long, I have become 'anger'? If I let it go or put it down will it kill me? If the world is a projection of my internal state, what is the state of the world and who am I? 

Gaza, Palestine, Israel, patriarchy, injustice, social justice, corruption, kindness, goodness, love, hate, my wife, my children, my history, being a soldier and a police officer, now a counsellor. It was all Yoga. I didn't need to know it or be aware of it, but it was always ALL Yoga. Balance and harmony. 

I'm looking at the Yamas and Niyamas now on my iPhone by the keyboard, and falling into how to 'be'. It feels easy without even getting my mat out, but's it's not, it requires attention, commitment, balance, harmony, compassion, and BELIEVING that I am 'the most important person'. That's really really hard to type, but I'm believing it now. My wife said this morning that she always believed it about me, and I realised I had to do that for myself. 

See where I'm going? All the way inside. Jen, the group, the philosophy, the kindness, the permission, the acceptance, and getting out of my own way, gave me back to myself. I'm really really moved as I type that. I've got  great gulp in my throat so I'll stop now and look at my final project.

Thank you for listening. Thank you a million times. And I look forward to graduating in June and attending the class tonight instead of saying I will and not, because that's the old me, a behaviour I had from my Dad as I grew up. Promising something and not delivering. That's not me and I can stop. And I don't blame my Dad! Whaaaaaat!? That feels really good to say that. I don't blame my parents. Is that forgiving myself and not them???

Thank you Jen! My teacher, my Buddha. Thank you peers, my friends, my teachers, and as I type that - I can hear Stan's words, "I'm not here to teach you shit!" I love that. Man, today, that's my mantra 🤩 ❤️ 👍 

Alright let me try to sum up my thoughts on this - but wow! 

Surrender is something that always had a negative connotation to me because it was something that felt like "giving up" to someone with more power than myself - but as folks were talking, I started to imagine it more as a surrender to myself to allow myself to be fully who I am - no apologies made. So in a strong way, that feels freeing. It's like the idea that I work so hard think about all of the what-ifs in life, all of the possibilities of what others may think of me - and instead, surrender can just mean that I don't have to work so hard at that - I can just "be". That's pretty cool. 

I just started working on both my final sequence and final reflection so I'm a little nervous!!! But taking the ideas of surrender and strength, I can focus more on just letting my true self shine through and nothing else matters 🙂 Thanks!!