7/6/23 Live Session Recording

Hi There, I had to leave a little early yesterday and so I am posting a reflection now.  

I understand trauma as situations that overload one's ability to process, cope with, or escape what is happening.  Trauma can be very wide-ranging from group oppression to personal victimization.  Trauma can sometimes be hard for an individual to name or to understand its existence based on what is seen as acceptable to be trauma within different cultures and families. 

My first memory of race was hearing adult family members talk about the negative attitudes of their parents regarding race in a way that they believed these types of attitudes no longer existed.  I always had a sense that there was missing information in the narrative but it was not until moving to California and taking multi-cultural psychology and reading books like "Women, Race and Class" and "The Warmth of Other Suns" that I began to find pieces of the brokenness in the US regarding racial trauma that made sense to me.

My first experience of gender as a young child was wanting to be beautiful as I understood that was the role of a woman.  I have since struggled with narratives of 'true " womanhood and now I use pronouns of she/they.

For the eight limbs of Yoga, I can say that I feel very connected with the idea of Samadhi, or oneness with the universe.  In some senses, I can sit and feel this "bliss" easily yet I struggle with the constant hurts that happen in regular daily life that leave me feeling very disconnected.  Sometimes I think my neurotype has oriented me differently in this regard.

I easily connect with the Yamas but not so much with the Niyamas.  I can embrace the idea of purity as trueness to self and non-harm of the self as well as others.

The asanas to me are a way to organize the mind so that I can see through the distractions and make decisions that lead me closer to goodness and connection.

I like the idea of starting with very subtle movements to explore a range of motions of the spine and other joints as well as simple ab and adductions to explore the range at the beginning of any offering as was mentioned by one of the cohort members.

What is your current understanding of Trauma?
Trauma can be something that happened to a person that is mentally, physically, sexually, environmentally, and
spiritually damaging. Any act that caused harm to a person has the ability to be traumatic to that person.
Depending on their current circumstances, supports, perceptions of the event and ability to understand and to acknowledge the trauma, they can begin to
heal as clarity reveals the truth. 

What is your first memory of race?
The first memory I have of race is when I left for the weekend to go to my uncle's house 2 hours from where I lived.
My aunt was asked to watch me while we went to the mall. We all sat down and waited for a family member to
finish their shopping in a store. When I looked up, my family was gone. I remember to stay in 1 spot if I were to
ever be lost so, I stayed put. I was about 5 years old. I am not sure how long I was sitting there; it may have been
10-15 minutes. A rather large man who happened to be of an African American descent came over to me and
asked me, hey little girl, where is your family? I noticed he had a name tag on. Most people where I grew up were
primarily Caucasian. The fact that he, a human being that was a different skin color than I, came to help me didn't
seem to have an affect on me, or, the fact he was a male, a very large male. He was a person, a person with a
nametag. I felt secure and he was very kind. He found my family for me that day. That was the first time I ever had
an encounter with anyone who was not the same skin color as me.  I began to acknowledge there are
differences in the way human beings can look. Inside we are all the same.

What is your first memory of gender identity and/or sexuality?
I remember my brother getting a lot more attention than me because maybe he was the first-born boy. Maybe, he
was great at baseball and that is the way my father and his son connected. I also was a great soft-ball player yet, I
feel I was not treated equally.

What is your first memory of inclusion and/or exclusion?
When I would play games with other kids in school and they would choose teams, I would get chosen last. Maybe
because of my weight. I always seemed to have problems with my weight beginning at an early age.

What are your connections to nature, the environment, and earth justice?
I enjoy nature and I have been taught to pick up after myself and not leave trash lying around as a child.  My father would say "we are not litter bugs". Going to the park, I would always pick up trash and dispose of it in a proper manner. I have attempted to begin helping the
environment by discussing recycling and waste management endeavors at the prison. It drew to a close before I
left the State Prison. They said it was a security issue. I have notes and am willing to move forward with the
information I have gathered on the issues.

What emotions and/or embodied sensations surface as you explore these questions?
I have many feelings and emotions that arise as I reflect on these questions. Feelings of past trauma, hurt, pain,
sadness, concern, safety, and gratitude. The questions helped to identify certain root causes to past trauma I have experienced in my life.  I have researched a bit on generational trauma while diving deeper into the module topics.  It has opened my eyes on a whole new perspective of what I have gone through in my life and how my family and ancestors have struggled and how it is causing me residual pain.  I now realize a deeper connection to my roots and what happened to my loved ones and ancestors and how it is affecting me.  The part it plays on who I am shows me I need to value what my needs are to heal for myself and for generations to come to.  I am determined to minimize or not to pass to my children, my unhealthy coping mechanisms and aversion strategies in avoidance of additional pain, and yet paradoxically, avoiding human interaction and unacceptance of love.

The Yoga Tree that was provided in the live session recordings #2&3 for the introduction to the 8 limbs of yoga is fascinating.  I have been on a journey of self-study my whole life and in more specific ways for the 2 years I have been in prison.  I feel my whole being respects the yoga sutras naturally.  I seem to have touched on a number of the same sort of topics in my own discovery of self and in by questioning myself what is important to me.  Learning more about the yoga sutras will help me identify with my natural self and in connecting with my mind, body, soul, and spirit.  I am committed to learning more. 

I would begin offering movement to participants with curiosity and gentleness with a sort of calm in the environment to help guide participants into exploring range of motion.  First, I would bring awareness to where the spine is comfortable and in alignment.  I would offer participants to focus on the breath and mindfulness on keeping an erect spine.  I would begin introducing supination and pronation of the forearm and gradual flexion of the shoulders in the sagittal plane.  I would be assessing where the participants are moving without discomfort and with discomfort, by acknowledging facial cues.  I would also see the range of motion they have in rotational movements of the arm and flexion of the shoulder.  I would also be aware of the participants' breathing, if they are sitting/standing comfortably while making these movements, and how they are keeping an erect spine.

Lecture Reflection:

Sutras:

I had some difficulty really solidifying the yoga sutras in my mind. I am beginning to understand them, but had difficulty with the language as some in the recorded lecture verbalized, specifically around the word purifying. I believe with time and practice this will become more salient. I did purchase the book you showed called “A Seekers Guide to Yoga Sutras”. I believe learning it in a basic way will help build foundation for me to explore these topics further.

8 Limbs of Yoga:

I appreciated the visual you provided for the 8 limbs of yoga as I am a very visual learner. I feel the yamas and niyamas are very abstract and can feel very distant at times. I appreciated the examples you gave on how to bring them more to ideas of focusing on the self, understanding who we are, and how these integrate into a modern world. As a person who identifies as agnostic, I do have difficulty with connecting to a specific religion and your reframe on the past intention on surrender and how that may look today was very validating and welcoming. I also feel this is a new and fresh topic for me that will feel clearer with time and practice. I think this lesson though has given me the overview to begin to bring the sutras and 8 limbs of yoga to my awareness as I begin this deeper exploration.

Reflection Questions:

I am choosing to not post my direct responses to the questions as I was very wordy in my reflection responses, however will look at my experience with the reflection.

Trauma is a huge part of the work I do currently. I view it as a normal reaction to an abnormal event that can be brough by a single experience or through continued experiences. Working with incarcerated individuals who also experience persistent and severe mental illness has shown me how imperative it is to bring trauma-informed interventions to therapy, dance/movement therapy, and daily interactions. I work with many folks who have experienced trauma in their life and are living through the trauma of incarceration. When doing one to one therapy I sometimes feel ill prepared to hold the weight of the trauma my patients have endured as I feel I can only hold empathy, but cannot fix the root cause (domestic violence, homelessness, drug addiction, and many others). In addition, employees at my facility are victims and witness of violence daily making it important for us to be aware of how this can cause trauma and impact our work and daily lives. I notice certain noises similar to our unit alarms will put my system into fight or flight mode to which I am expected to respond and help in. I have witnessed patients get arrested from the hospital when they were on my team due to violence inflicted on others. This just begins to scratch the surface. Knowing that we bring our whole self to situations, environments, and interactions and that we all hold different traumas and experiences can bring a new and important lens to our work. 

Completing the reflection from this module was very deep. It made me look at parts of myself that do bring up shame, but this is due to old thought patterns and ways of thinking that have since changed. The reflection questions made me take a long look at my identity, where I hold marginalized identities, and how intersectionality plays a huge part in my past, present, and future. I was able to look back at times where I was pushed out of friend groups and excluded and also times where I was put in situations that were uncommon for me such as being the only white person in a dance class allowing myself a different sense of empathy. 

In my reflection regarding emotions and embodied sensations, I wrote the following: 

"When writing these responses, I had a plethora of feelings. As I reflect on the emotions felt, I realize a lot of it was negative feelings toward myself. I experienced shame, anger toward myself, and sadness. I noticed my breathing changed when writing about my memories of these experiences some of which are trauma. I also felt my body and mind become very focused on the prompts and memories which is unusual for me as I have ADHD and frequently am distracted by external stimuli. I am currently sitting with my discomfort with bringing these memories back to the surface and recognize they are still a part of me, why I am here doing this training, and that I have begun work towards understanding myself and my biases."

I realized I did not discuss movement I may offer to guide patients in spinal movement. Currently when doing movement groups I will encourage stretches that encourage flexion of the spine such as reaching towards the toes and reaching back to expand the lungs. One of my favorite prompts is to encourage my patients to sway to which I will generally sway in my spine. This usually brings both rotation and flexion in the spine as well as an improvisation feel to the moment. Other movements I may encourage are small seated cat/cows, light twisting side to side, pushing back into a slight cat pose position in the spine then moving the arms and torso side to side while standing. I believe the spine is really the core to all movements as our limbs all stem out from our core and spine. As a person who has sustained a back injury, I tend to be cautious about over rotating the spine and allowing patients to set their limits when it comes to movement. 

I understand trauma to be a human experience that can be rooted in survival instincts that can impact all layers of our being. I was inspired to dive deeper into some of Peter Levine's work and this definition was constructed based on his experience with trauma and trauma research. My first memory of race was elementary school when our teacher was explaining how our class would honor Rosa Parks in celebration of "Black History Month." I remember there was a parent of a classmate who became outraged that our class was celebrating this event and asked that her daughter not participate. I remember my parents having conversations about the response of the other parent and their attempts to explain to me the reasons it was unacceptable to respond in that way. While our school did celebrate "Black History Month," at that age it took a negative response of that parent to get my mind really spinning about how people could be treated differently based off of race. 

I enjoy using Philosophy as a tool to engage with the world and it is interesting to review the various translations of the sutras. I have the version that is blue from another yoga training and agree with most that there can be many different interpretations and feelings that come about when engaging with the sutras. I find that it's supportive to review the root words of the Sanskrit to broaden my perspective on how I am interpreting each sutra. I appreciate that we are discussing how to honor the foundation of this practice while contemplating the many paths of colonization of this practice as well. I remember that the passages on the universal sound of "OM," were really beautiful to me in the way sound and vibration can impact one's being and I am curious to go back and revisit some of these sutras. I've been told that it can help to listen to them on audio if that is accessible and that's something I've been curious to try. 

This visual of the yoga tree is so supportive and something I love so much! In my current phase of life I feel that I am revisiting the Niyamas and Yamas especially the idea of cleanliness which is one that used to not sit well for me in a similar way the group discussed the way "purity" has been tainted. I feel like organization/respect of my immediate environment and the cleanliness of my mind (in terms of less brain fog) are two aspects I have more control over and therefore can be easily to overlook ie I can spend energy looking at what might be problematic externally when really if I spend time with this Niyama the way I engage with the rest of my life could also shift. I've highlighted many times this idea that this work and this practice of yoga is really about showing up in my own practice and that patience is a huge piece of this journey. 

It was nice to see more people on screen as groups were sharing their range of motion exercises. I come back to the idea that these concepts all depend on body design and that to safely practice it can be supportive to bring the spine back to neutral before transitioning on to another position.